Copyright Adam Schlosser

Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser

Posted by Pip

L13- The Giant Magic Hand Of The Market

Huzzah! It's the star of screen and controller, the Dealer! And, of course, she has her trusty Vice by her side. For those of you not playing the games on the Swag page, the Dealer has revealed much of her tale across the course of the newest games and has proved to be a mover and a shaker behind the scenes of the Spirit Realm. Maybe she just wants to tour Rhett around the lands and charge two bits a gander to have the demonic hordes gawk at the human weirdo. They certainly don't seem to think much of him as an independent person, so I don't think she's looking to pimp Rhett out...

Mercs has updated over at TWC! In the team's defense, the robot did shine weird lights at them and descending from the ceiling is particularly menacing so you should expect a few whacks.

Long, I am the nighty-nine percent Review: The Dark Knight Rises- The reoccurring theme through Rises is probably "unnecessary". Catwoman could easily been excised from the film and it would have been better for it. The same for Joseph Gordon-Levitt's character. He's almost wholly unnecessary to the world and adds so little to the story. And then they throw the Batwing in the movie. That simply doesn't belong in this universe where they tried to turn superheroes into something remotely plausible. The movie also gained almost nothing by calling the villain "Bane". He could have been any other big strong guy and the movie would have been practically the same thing. It doesn't help that his voice modifier makes him sound like somebody doing a terrible Seann Connery impersonation, but resting the movie on the shoulders of a poorly adapted version of one of the more uninteresting villains doesn't do anybody any good. Then Bale kicks the "Batman voice" into severe overdrive. There are dramatic moments at the end that are laughably bad because of him sneering and talking that way. "Where's the trigger?" is up there with "How did it get burned?!" in the pantheon of hysterical melodrama.
For the film itself, the writing and cinematography are much worse compared to the fantastic second movie. If you had told me somebody new had written and directed this one, I would have had no problems believing it. The first eighty minutes (yes, the FIRST eighty minutes) of the movie are almost a complete wash. If you walked into the movie theater after missing the first half of the movie, you'd be fine and caught up to everything that's going on in five minutes. From the beginning of the movie, Batman hasn't been out fighting crime. Since he took the fall for Harvey, Batman went into hiding, which completely invalidates how the Two-Face storyline ended. Batman took the blame for killing those people in order to get criminals to fear him again. The villains in Batman 2 weren't afraid of him because they knew he wouldn't kill. Now everybody thinks Batman IS willing to kill so what does he do with that new fear and power? Nothing. At the time he would be in his prime to use fear as his weapon, he does nothing with it and makes everybody's sacrifices in vain. Midway through the film if you're even remotely paying attention, the story does the movie equivalent of a flashing neon sign saying "Hey! Character X is secretly evil!" and then it proceeds to completely ignore this for some time, shows characters trusting and helping Character X, and then the big reveal at the end is that Character X is a bad guy and this is supposed to be a dramatic reveal. The ties to the first film don't expand the story or bring things around full circle, it just gives the villains a horrible plan that doesn't stand up to much scrutiny. And the plot completely undermines what the second movie was all about. The people of Gotham beat the Joker by showing that even when the chips are down, somebody will do the right thing. In this movie, a football stadium gets demolished and instantly almost every citizen in Gotham is in the streets dancing naked and raping puppies (slight over-exaggeration). Rises does nothing with its message and the ending is ridiculous and so cheesy. There's almost no point I can touch on without major spoilers, but the dramatic moments were making me laugh. Rises isn't a terrible film, but it's not worth the movie theater ticket price and it's a very poor ending to what had previously been great movies.
And anybody out there in a wheel chair or with back problems, this movie wants you to know that you're unmotivated whiners that are a drain on society. Batman is missing all the cartilage in his knee and gets beaten and broken by Bane to the point that his vertebrae are poking out of his skin and in less five months in unsanitary conditions, he's running and jumping around being Batman. What's your excuse?

On a side note, I absolutely adore the sound effect that plays when the motorcycle's wheels spin over. That is up there with the Transformers morphing noise as one of those sounds that just screams "Awesome!". I'd love to get that sound effect and apply it to completely unnecessary parts of my life like making it the noise my computer plays when I get an email. It would make work so much more enjoyable...