Copyright Adam Schlosser
Contact:
aschloss@gmail.com


Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser


Posted by Pip

J61- She Likes Chocolate Milk

She’s a little... festive? Drunk? A lover of cake? Tell us, Fortune, tell us!
While not quite gathering the following and love collared Greed commands, collared Lust has her own appeal. Their mighty de facto leader taken down quite a few GAL PEGS and reduced to blithe out-if-it-ness. Maybe Jin will actual like her like this though...

Quick reviews: The Simpsons Game- Actually pretty funny and would have been likable if the controls and camera weren’t so broken that they make the game completely unplayable.

Police 911 and Mo-Cap Boxing- Games that not just require spastic flailing and action, but they downright encourage it! Crazy mad fun, but really hard too.

Zack and Wiki- I really wanted to like Z+W. It’s got pirates. It’s got demons. It’s an adventure game. It’s got a monkey. The sum of these parts is sadly a tiny drop of goodness in the large bucket of suck that is Zack and Wiki. From the standard Wii complaint of bad controls, I have to ask, what developer thinks that mundane tasks make for gameplay now? As boring and trivial as turning a key is, they couldn’t even get that right. I can open any locked door I come in contact with, with at most a 180 degree turn. Here, you have to do some wrist bending and elbow cracking maneuver to get it to register. The biggest offender is a minigame where you have to ring a bell in tune with some music, but it’s about 50-50 as to whether or not the game will even register the motion. Quite often, it won’t register the ring you do, but will register you pulling the remote back after your ring, so that’s a failure for missing the mark and then another failure for the ring on the pull back. At two failures, you’d have been better to just not do anything at all. The reasons games like Sam and Max, DotT, and Monkey Island are great are that they have fun characters, interesting stories, and are downright hilarious. Zack is unlikable and has zero back-story, his partner is a complete pain and doesn’t shut up, there’s little overall story, and there’s nothing funny about the game. Your reward for beating a frustrating puzzle in a Lucas Arts adventure game was another scene with witty dialogue and moving the plot along. Your reward in Z+W for completing a completely illogical puzzle is nothing but another puzzle. In Monkey Island, there was always a reason, no matter how dumb, why you couldn’t just walk up to something and solve a puzzle like a normal person would think you could, but in Z+W, even simple puzzles are very difficult because they incorporate no logic whatsoever and there are hundreds of more viable and reasonable solutions to puzzles than what you’re forced to do to solve them. Nothing prevents you from simply walking around an obstacle that’s in your way, but instead you’re forced to go through a series of nonsensical hoops to deactivate something or find an alternate route. There are plenty of puzzles that revolve around getting something a foot out of your reach, but the entire time you have your partner at your side. Your partner that can fly. In fact, a partner that at no time in my playing even sets foot on the ground and frequently hovers a foot over you. The reason you couldn’t die in a Lucas Arts game was that it didn’t make sense and the creators knew that people didn’t want to have do a large stretch of a game over again because they didn’t immediately see a solution or wanted time to think it over. Here you die constantly from simply finding out what something does. There’s a switch in front of you. In a LA game, you’d press it, something bad would happen, you’d leave the switch alone, find something to help you, and then go back and hit the switch and be shielded with your new item. In Z+W, you hit the switch, are killed by the results, and now have to do the entire level over again to get back to this point and try something else. There are also timed sections, so if you don’t immediately see a solution, you’re killed and have to do the whole thing over again. And it doesn’t help that Zack is dumb as a post.There’s an entire puzzle built around getting Zack to stand two feet to the left of where he starts. You’re presented with A and 1. Perform, A and then 1, and a giant boulder will sloooowly roll down a flight of stairs, and Zack will stand there blithely watching it come closer and finally roll over and kill him. Perform 1 and then A and the boulder will sloooowly roll down the stairs, but Zack will have finished his task two feet away from before and this time the boulder will roll on by him. I realize this was a long “quick” review, but Zack and Wiki represents everything I hate about games and a horrible design and frustrating gameplay and companies seriously need to stop doing this crap.