Copyright Adam Schlosser

Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser

Posted by Pip

AL17- Mites Would Keep ME Away

Well it seems Lust has forgotten and left out that miiinor tidbit that animals quickly decide that theyíre not too keen on people without souls. It may have taken their wee minds a tad to get around to realizing what was wrong with Alicia, but it seems that sheís about to join the ranks of Rhett and Miranda in freaking small animals the heck out. And those little teeth are the worst! Theyíre all pinchy.

Friend of the show, Griever, has donated a picture. And much like Mothra, heís adored by children and miniscule singing fairies. Rock on.

Quick and oddly spiteful this week Reviews: Dan in Real Life- One thing I quickly noticed about this movie is the horrible ďindieĒ soundtrack. Thereís a group of people that are indie and cool about it and then there are people that are ďlookit me, Iím indie! Iím totally indie! Indie, over here, hey, hey! Hey! Hey, listen!Ē. The soundtrack... falls into that later category and unfortunately it sets the tone for the film. If youíre going to make a movie thatís supposed to be a down to earth and an of the people take on a segment of one manís life, itís important that make the characters, hell any character, likeable. Dan is a whiny 40 year old in a very clichťd plot with a by-the-books cast of characters (in the main children alone you have the smart daddyís girl young daughter, the teen that wants to drive, and the slutty young teen) and everybody in his family falls nicely into a niche and doesnít budge from there. Even the woman that Dan falls in love with at first sight and who the story hinges on being the most desirable and perfect woman, just flat out isnít likable. For a movie that waves its indie cred furiously, itís nothing more than a formulaic studio romantic comedy where a woman is torn and must choose between the loud mouthed self-obsessed jerk thatís gone through loads of girlfriends or the quiet Dan who writes an advice column while struggling to raise three daughters all by himself after his wife died but everybody says that enough time has gone by that he needs to move on. If you canít tell who she is going to choose, youíre not stupid, no, I envy you. To be so pure and fresh... Anyway, everything wraps up far too nicely in a way that completely bastardizes the movieís goal of being realistic. If spoilers creep you out, please look away because to just show how much I hated the ending I have to ruin it: The woman breaks up with the jerk, leaves, Dan realizes what an ass heís been to his family and promises to be a better father to his daughters, who then tell Dan that even though he needs work heís still a great dad and that he should chase after the woman, but Dan lost his license so itís the teen thatís been spending whole movie trying to drive to the rescue as she drives Dan to the city where they stand lovingly in front of a glass window until the woman notices them, and we quickly flash forward to their wedding day. Itís just... itís formulaic drivel. Thatís all it is. Iíd say itís pap, but I think I used that in another recent review. Just a quick summary of how bad it all went down, in the directorís commentary, not only did the director call Dane Cook ďone of the great comedians of our timeĒ but he actually had the gall to call him a great actor. Yeah, THAT bad.

Opoona- Opoona takes everything bad about old RPGs and adds little new and nothing fun to the mix. It suffers from the most mortal of all RPG sins, the random battles at a high frequency. Apparently their world is just sick and crawling with a never ending slew of enemies, that all just happen to be invisible until you bump into them. Itís 2008, may I please see whatís trying to claw my eyes out? And even if you could see your enemies, youíre stuck with a bad camera and sketchy camera controls. Youíre not even allowed to shift the view in the overworld so you spend most of your time either looking at the background or bumping into things you canít see because the view is zoomed in too far and your character is at the edge of the screen and you canít see the tree in your way. This could be overlooked if you had a mini-map, right? Nope, no maps, youíre on your own to navigate the poorly laid out towns and fields. The saving grace of any RPG is its story and characters, but you can probably see where this is going so: boring characters and a poorly written story that is slow and canít be skipped over. One of my pet peeves in story driven games is the illusion of choice, which plagues Opoona. Characters will give you the choice of agreeing or disagreeing with them, but your answer ultimately doesnít matter, because if you disagree with them, theyíll repeat the same text string until you agree with them. If I donít have a choice, donít pretend like I have one. Itís infuriating. You know youíre not in for much when thereís a typo in the very first instance of dialogue at the beginning of the game and that the amount of distance you move doesnít even match up to your characterís animations. You see your character take one step but it slides forward three stepsí worth. Try to imagine that in real life. You lift your foot to walk forward and some unseen force pushes you ahead three times as much as you see yourself walking. Youíd constantly be walking into walls and god help if you have any tables and groin level. The two button gameplay may be trying to hearken back to the days of the NES but now it just makes for a very boring experience (especially the battles where you canít even defend of dodge, you just stand there and get smacked in the face) and puts too heavy a load on a single button (C talks, moves the camera, resets the camera, changes enemies, opens, examines, accepts a choice, and possibly even more later on).