Copyright Adam Schlosser
Contact:
aschloss@gmail.com


Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser


Posted by Pip

AL19- Smehck

That has to hurt. Not just rejected, but rejected by a creature that in the sole fact that it has taken the effort to reject you is special in its own right. Or maybe itís just that the ladies of Sins are the only ones that get to cuddle up with Sloth. A ruffle from Lust or a pat and a smile from Fortune are one thing, but the vaguely (vaaaguely) masculine Cucurbita, well thatís just pushing it. Sloth is totally a head patting elitist!

April Fools isn't funny. It never has been. It never will be. And the Internet has only made it that much more unbearable. At least in real life, April Fools consists of somebody telling you something and then a few seconds later shouting ďApril FoolsĒ and laughing like a jackass, but then you can just walk away (or slug them if you feel like it). But on the Internet, it's completely different. You can't give meaningful feedback. Every site that changes its layout to something they think is quirky or hilarious is, in reality no different than the moron that thinks a lie is the greatest prank ever. The people that run dA that changed everybody's avatar, jerks. The people that run Destructoid that changed the site's main page, jerks. Any company that announces a new product or a news site that reports such a thing, heck even Google and their new features for Gmail, jerks. Even if the idea was funny, if you have a site, your ďjokeĒ is going to be posted for twenty-four hours and even you have to admit that this probably isnít even going to be worth a chuckle by lunch time. And if by now you still think that the joke of saying that your site/comic/blog/news service is going to shut down and then come back with ďApril FoolsĒ, there should be somebody that comes to your house and forcibly makes you shut your site down in truth. It was a lame idea when it was first done and now after dozens and dozens of iterations, each less funny than the last, you should be punished.
April Fools is like a sanctioned day for people to act like idiots, but nobody (or not nearly enough people) point out that the general population acts like idiots anyway. The Internet only compounds that. How does a person that lies online, acts like an ass every chance he gets, and on a typical day pisses off scores of people act like even more of a jerk? There should never, never be a day that rewards people for making the lives of others harder for no good reason.
So, in summary, not a fan. Please stop.

Quick Review: Obscure- Another of the ďI want to play it solely because itís a horror gameĒ titles I tried. Itís cheesy and lame in that way that all teen horror movies are, but it also brings back some RE memories for the bad voice acting and dialogue and there even some good spooky and moments to make you jump. The story is, again, cheesy and riddled with situations that just defy reasonable thought, but itís not so bad that itís uninteresting and I was genuinely intrigued enough to want to find out what was going on. The music is fantastic. Spooky, eerie, and far better than a game of this caliber could be expected to have. The puzzles are pretty annoying because they fall into three categories: A) the clue you were supposed to find was so out of the way or hidden that you couldnít have even known it was there B) you know exactly what to do, but you donít have the right partner so you have to run back to the save point, get the right partner, and come back, or C) really just defy logic (the dreaded characters complaining that thereís no way to get to where they need to be despite the fact that the only thing in your way is a small, easily jumped in real life fence). However, the combat is just awful. Just trying to get your character to attack the character clawing your face off, how strong enemy attacks are, how utterly brain-dead your partner is (and if it dies, so do you!), that enemies hurt you when you didnít even know they were there, the fact that an ordinary baseball bat is infinitely more powerful than a gun, etc, etc, etc. Add in some truly poorly implemented Wii controls and the whole thing is a disaster. Youíre hit with the left from the controls, but then the KO comes from the right in the form of... camera controls. I could push passed the combat, but the camera can only be described as having been purposefully designed to make you hate the game. It spins wildly, in combat it will leave your character off-screen and focus on the enemy farthest from you while two other creatures eat your flesh, the actual camera control mechanic is unresponsive on every single setting, enemies are always always off-screen, your partner never stays in view during combat (making the fact that you just had a game over even more mystifying), and just trying to get your character to turn around properly is a feat in its own right.
From what Iíve read, the Playstation version doesnít have these control and camera issues, so if you want a simple-minded fun horror romp (with a great soundtrack), rent that one and leave the Wii one to rot.