Copyright Adam Schlosser

Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser

Posted by Pip

AL51-That Happens To Me On A Good Day

Jin is this generationís own cute little harbinger of doom and swift kicks to the gut. The world is in danger and powerful foes are locked in a struggle? Who cares! Get on with it or suffer the wrath of a boot to the side!

A new DDG has been posted as well. No swift kicks but plenty of wrath and anger.

Quick Reviews: There Will Be Blood- While most definitely worth a watch and a great movie, be prepared to be in it for the long haul. Pop some popcorn and pour yourself a milkshake because itís two and a half hours of slow, slow progression and quiet dialogue. That being said, the characters are fantastic and while about halfway through it looks like itís going to shape up to be a morality play, it is but winds up with realistic morals, making the ending oh so satisfying. Aside from just tightening it up and reducing the runtime, my only complaint is the change in volume throughout the film. Thereíd be scenes where I had the volume turned all the way up and then the scene would shift, the volume would be deafening, and Iíd lower the volume down to the bottom. Thatís annoying enough, but when youíre doing it for over two hours, it really sucks out some of the enjoyment in watching a good movie.

Metal Gear Solid 4- MGS4 was a tough review. If you've never played the MGS series before, stay away from it and don't even attempt to play it. It's not going to make any sense and it comes across as a poorly made and downright annoying game. For fans, it's still rocky, switching from being great one minute to very poorly designed and implemented the next. Simple actions like getting Snake to turn and aim where you want or even standing up from a crouch during a firefight are frustrating and occasionally nigh-impossible to pull off. All said, the story does a great job of wrapping up the series and the ending is powerful to say the least. In-between, the gameplay isn't so hot, and paradoxically, the cinemas get to be a complete pain in the ass because you'll regularly go from half hour long cutscenes to ten minutes of gameplay into another half to hour long cutscene. Sadly, many of the cutscenes could have been playable events quite easily, but are instead made into passive cinemas, giving the experience a ďyouíll be in control when we want you to play no matter how much you paid for this gameĒ feel. If you're a MGS fan, rent it to wrap up a fantastic story but don't get it for the gameplay alone.

Keeping with true MGS narrative wackiness, I kept a stream of consciousness like system of notes while I was playing (hey, you need something to do during that third hour long cutscene each day). Minute spoilers inside but nothing big is revealed or mentioned:

The Johnnies aren't funny!
Soda Monkey, you rock
They're just saying same thing over and over. You could cut out half the dialogue and not change anything
Why can't I climb some things? There are invisible walls all over the place
The shop system seems pointless. If the whole purpose is to NOT kill enemies, why make an elaborate buying, selling, and upgrading system?
Since the in-game war is professed to be pointless, all the combat and fighting is tedious. Rather than being a driving story point, it comes across as "more shooting, more violence" and you just want them to get on with it. I have no reason to be fighting these soldiers and they have no reason to fight me, so why are they all hell bent on shooting me in the face?
First boss- good fight
With all the blatant product placement going on, couldn't they have just gotten a real soda company? Actually, I'd probably drink Narca Cola. The soda you chug after ratting out your marks
Zombies are keen, too bad this whole turret segment is rubbish
This game has more burping and farting than any other I've played
Probably the most boring ninja fight sequence I've ever seen. The action/violence is getting really tedious
Female headed Snake is damned disturbing...
Enough with the freaking homoerotic ninja ballerina fighting. Get on with it!
Vamp's crotch knife and Raiden's semen blood. Man, they are just begging for gay fanfiction
Buy a Mac or Snake is totally going to kill you in your sleep!
All these parts thrown in to mix up the gameplay are far worse than the regular gameplay. I don't want to track people or stalk them. And why the hell does this guy shoot me if he sees me. I'm killing his enemies for him.
The text that describes what items do is ludicrously slow!
You can't load a saved game without completely exiting the game and restarting.
If Joe Nobody here can just put on an enemy uniform and casually stroll passed all the guards, why the hell can't I?
Patriot reveal is anti-climatic. Aside from two members (whose roles and reveals were actually pretty major), it was kind of "I thought I already knew they were members"
Motorcycle section= complete and utter crap. Your objective is unclear, the gun is weak as all hell and needs to be reloaded every two seconds, the camera is shaking and the whole thing happens in a dust and smoke cloud
Second boss fight- Fun but camera is iffy. If she wasn't so messed up in the head, Raven would be darn hot.
So the entire military fell for the exact same trick TWICE?! Nanites or not, they're all a bunch of jackasses that deserved to die. Morons.
Why can nobody on TV or in games can ever do chest compresses right. That pisses me off so much
I bet there's a YTMND of him shouting "Otacon". Ota-khaaaaaaaan!
That cutscene was well over an hour long
Boss 3- It's a shame a great level had such a godawful boss fight. Easily the worst sniper battle of the series
Boss 4- This would be a piece of cake if the controls and response weren't utter [redacted]. And that is the [redacted] stupidest way to beat the boss. Somebody please punch whoever designed this battle in the face. Hard. Repeatedly. [there was basically just a torrent of cursing and wishing death upon the production team at this point. The controls on this game suck]
[same goes for the sequence immediately following that fight. You can't see, you can't control your character, what you're supposed to be doing and how to do isn't even remotely clear. Lots and lots of cursing]
Just drop dead already! Don't make a six hour show out of dying
Eff yeah! This almost makes up for the last two sequences. Robo doom!
That's it!? I've been waiting for this ever since I first played MGS and it's over already?! Middle finger to you Kojima!
A Star Wars reference? They just cheapened this entire series
Boss 5- Great ANOTHER battle that doesn't make any effing sense.
That's kind of a stupid retcon and it devalues a good scene from MGS1
Somebody please just kill Meryll already. This is boring.
Man, how did that fist fight not earn this game an AO rating
Snake vs Soda Monkey, Drebin vs Monkey, Soda Monkey vs Pipo Monkey. This game actually HAS a monkey as a main character so where's part two of Snake vs Monkey from MGS3?!
Iím a Scorpion! Woo me.