Copyright Adam Schlosser

Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser

Posted by Pip

ST35- Eyes Up Here?

You know what they say about big ears! Well, I hope you do because I sure donít. But having a navigator that turns your boss from a spaz into a mindless spaz may affect crew morale and lead to a significant rise in the number of mermaids run over by the ship. There a lot of them though, so donít worry. When the numbers get too large they just wind up in the tuna nets anyway.
Even in the Sinsiverse your degree is useless. Have fun waiting tables, college boy! Wait, I have a degree... Dammit! knew I should have apprenticed pirating back in middle school.

Quick Review: Walk Hard- Itís a good rainy day comedy or for one of those weekends when you donít want to do anything. There are some enjoyable parodies of famous musicians in it and some great running gags, but they always lead into slap stick or just pushing the joke too far that it ruins it. The casting, however, is fantastic both for the main characters and bit characters. You have quite a few people from The Office, a few SNL cast members, Matt Besser from the Upright Citizenís Brigade, Frankie Muniz as Buddy Holly, and even Kenneth from 30 Rock is in it for a few seconds.

Long, Needlessly Angry Review: Silent Hill: Home Coming- Maybe itís because I havenít followed this series from the beginning, but every facet of SH5 is utter crap. Just starting with the in-game things, you have no reason to care about the character or his story in the beginning. Even several hours into the game, thereís absolutely no explanation for whatís going on in the realm of monsters, NPCs, why youíre changing locations, or pretty much anything. Youíre supposed to be playing an ex-soldier, yet heís completely incapable of stepping over some minor rubble, hopping over a two foot gap, doing a single pull up, breaking open a door (despite walking around with a fire axe), or even hopping a damn fence. At one point in the game, youíre stopped by a vine. Not like an evil vine or a possessed demon vine, itís just a tiny normal vine thatís across a door and you canít get passed it. The enemy designs arenít scary, theyíre just stupid. Any symbolism in the sexuality of characters is lost because of how dumb they look and that theyíre driving it into the ground. Thereís no reason for the nurses to be there or for that monster to have a fang-filled vagina for a face or a bladed penis for a head. It worked in Silent Hill 2 because that sexuality actually was symbolic and was a driving force behind the characters and story but now itís just awful. Just ignoring how lame the enemies are, the characters are completely unphased by the monsters or things around them. One minute youíre being attacked by a feral skinless dog monster and the next youíre just having a normal conversation with a childhood friend with absolutely no mention of the abominations meandering around town. From the perspective of playing the game, it actually fares worse. Mainly, itís just too damn hard to see anything. You have to contend with an annoying overload of film grain, an awful camera, almost complete darkness, loads of fog, and your characterís giant head. Seriously, there are times when his melon takes up a quarter to a third of the screen. Enemies donít need to hide in the shadows, they just need to stand in front of you and the guyís noggin will shield them nicely, as well as block out any lingering sunlight. So youíve fought with the camera and your braindead avatar enough to be able to see the thing killing you and now youíre into combat so awful that the only way to make the game tolerable is to remove every enemy in it. A single hit from many creatures will drain most of your health so you can lose your entire stock of health items in one fight, then add in that the combat system completely breaks down if you have to face more than one enemy at a time, plus the game prefers to target the enemy thatís farthest away from you, adding in that youíll more likely evade into a wall or an obstruction than an open area leaving the monster to freely beat the crud out of you until it decides to stop, plus your character swings weapons in a wide arc from side to side while enemies mostly stab forward or can clip through walls so youíll whack your item into a wall or one of the hundreds of obstructions littering the environment while the enemies have clear shots to stab you in your ginormous head, and then even when you can evade properly, thereís a 50/50 chance youíre just going to take damage anyway. You almost never have any ammo and even when you do find some, you max out at a very low number. Your character can carry around a steel pipe, a shotgun, a pistol, a fire axe, and a knife at the same time with no problems whatsoever, yet canít carry more than 12 shells for that shotgun despite wearing an outfit with a lot of pockets? The awful inventory randomly decides to select different items than what you picked and thereís a delay in opening the menu which gives your enemies a free shot when you decide to give up trying to fight with your p.o.s. handgun and switch to your tiny knife thatís stronger than a steel pipe and then your enemies get another free shot when you have to reopen your inventory because the game picked the worldís weakest axe instead of that oddly powerful knife apparently once dipped in holy water. Bad decisions were made in even little things like having to open your inventory and manually select keys when you find a locked door or manually select a weapon when you find an obstacle that requires it. When you find a gate you have to pry open, you have to deselect your axe, pick the pipe, and then you can pry open the gate/cut flimsy thing an axe could chop through anyway/etc, and said action really just comes down to mashing the X button. The game gets oddly picky about where you have to stand for something to register as well. If you stand in the middle of a door, youíll be unable to open it so you have to move to the edges or if youíre standing at the edge of something you can climb up or down, you canít do anything until you take two or three steps away from the edge and then the game registers what you want to do and your character walks back to where you were standing and hops down. Letís say we can wave our magic knife and make all the combat and poor game design disappear, all youíre left with is endless opening doors or finding keys to open other doors. Everything you do in the game is for the sake of opening another door. Find that switch to open a door, solve that puzzle to open another door, that door needs a key so run a fetch quest to get it from someone, and then fight that monster blocking that mysterious door.
The pluses to the game are that the music is fantastic, when you hit an enemy you can actually see the wound (so if you attack with an axe, the monster will have a gash on it), and you can customize your controls. Sadly, I couldnít find the ďdonít suckĒ setting.
I really donít hate myself enough to finish the game, so I just Youtubeíd the different endings and theyíre totally not worth it.
Sins Committed: This game exists