Copyright Adam Schlosser

Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser

Posted by Pip

BAL9- She Yam What She Yams

Hey, if youíre going to do something catastrophic, it may as well be horrifically catastrophic. If itís just kind of catastrophic or a wee catastrophic, you just go down as a failure. But if itís horrifically catastrophic, well that gets you in books.
I donít think thereís a kid around that hasnít said, ďHey. You arenít looking! Hey. Hey!Ē. Nor is there a parent that hasnít assured the kid they were and then went back to watching TV.

We have some rather spiffy fan art from Whiterabbit in the gallery. Look, be in awe, and agree that glasses make everybody cuter.

When youíre done, check out his comic at:

Long review where black-haired people are evil! EVIL!: Valkyria Chronicles- Picture World War 2 in your mind. Now turn it into a bad anime movie and you have the story of Valkyria Chronicles. You have two warring sides with poorly defined reasons to fight, a bad guy who wants the world to burn solely for some parental issues, a laughably bad romance, a truly embarrassing racism subplot, one of the two well done and emotional moments in the game is immediately ruined by the musical montage that follows it, a completely pointless and annoying animal mascot, and a gay stereotype thatís so bad itís offensive. In short, youíre not playing VC for the story. However, if you have a PS3 and have even the remotest like of strategy or action games, VC is a must play. Thereís really just no reason that strategy or turn-based games should be made that donít use VCís engine, or at least a derivative of it. It blows any SRPG Iíve ever played out of the water. Two major things keep it from perfection and there are some minor annoyances that need tweaking, but overall, itís fantastic. It doesnít make sense that taking one step and attacking or even attacking and not moving should drain your movement gauge as much running full out. Thereís no reason a portion of the unused gauge canít move to the next turn or that your character will keep firing even when the target is dead, or most infuriatingly use get that super double attack and waste riddling the air with bullets). The major annoyances are that the tank is shamefully weak and that almost nobody can hit the broad side of a barn. You quickly learn to just ignore your tank because it has low movement, is easily destroyed in one shot, canít kill enemies by running them over, hardly has any room for upgrades, and wouldnít be able to hit the ground if it werenít for gravity. The rest of your crew isnít going to win any awards for sharp-shooting any time soon and, even at the end of the game, their accuracy is fairly poor, but the tank wins the top honors for uselessness. Itís so bad of a shot that it somehow negates the laws of physics to misfire. You can be no more than a few meters away from a target and have your reticle dead center on a tank... and youíll miss. Not even miss by a little. Youíll whiff the hell out of that shot. Thereís one point in the game where you fight a tank thatís the size of a large building and youíll somehow miss it. In the final battle, I had my tank equipped with the three best accuracy upgrades and used an accuracy buff on it and it would still miss 2 or 3 shots out of 4. Youíll pull your hair out until you learn to save before every shot youíre forced to take with the tank. You save, take your shot, miss, reload the save, miss again, reload the save, hit!, and save again. For the last fight, the smart thing to do would be to use your tank, but after over an hour of missing, reloading, and cursing, I ignored my tank, used nothing but foot soldiers and beat the battle in three turns in a matter of minutes.
Sins Committed: Bad characters, bad writing, false difficulty (accuracy, tank), the female soldiers with squeaky voices that would rival a twelve-year oldís