Copyright Adam Schlosser
Contact:
aschloss@gmail.com


Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser


Posted by Pip

MF40- Tastes Like Chicken

Those are really just three ways for Content to say “Lust is mean”. But we know the truth! She’s not mean, she’s just petty and vindictive. And that’s why we love her. Thankfully, Sloth is there to rally to her defense.
But for all we know, Modesty is a cannibal. That bag could be hiding fangs stained with the juices of the infidels. Fear the bag-ed one!

Long, My gang sign is the Fonz’s Review: Saints Row 2- Taken on its own lone merits, Saints Row 2 is a terrible game. The characters are unlikable, the story and dialogue are awful, and the gameplay is nothing you haven't seen dozens of times already. But if you approach SR as a parody of GTA and the countless other sandbox style games, it's not just stupid, it's so ludicrously stupid that you warm up to it and approach it as a B-movie. The characters are SO lame that you like them. The story is SO cliché that you start counting off all the tropes and cheering when you fight somebody on a motorcycle with a katana or you jump away from an explosion in slow motion. The game also has some darn creative ways that your character pays back anybody that tried to screw you over. Even the newspaper clippings at the end of a mission offer some fantastic laugh out loud stupid moments. After freeing the town's best drug chemist, who turns out to be a kindly middle-aged woman, the newspaper clipping at the mission's end is "DRUG DEALING MOM ESCAPES PRISON, LEAVES NICE NOTE". It's stupid lines like that that give the writing some charm. SR's gameplay even flat out admits how much fluff it is. Your minigames aren't missions, they're "diversions". And part of the fun is just discovering them as you play. You jump out of an exploding helicopter and a prompt asks you if you want to start a base jumping diversion. You jump on top of a moving car and the game asks if you want to try some highway surfing. You hijack a car only to find out there's somebody in the backseat and you can hold him ransom. Not only did you just get a ride to your next objective, but you made a few bucks in the process! The more substantial sidemissions are the usual racing, assassination, chop shop fare, but there are few good ones thrown in too. Insurance fraud being one of my favorite. You're tasked with throwing yourself in front of cars to rack up insurance money and the more cars you bounce off of in a hit, the more money you make. Truly one of the most fun uses of ragdoll physics ever. The ones where you impersonate a police officer to get on a Cops-style show are also incredibly fun because you’re given crazy weapons and put in stupid situations. You might be given a chainsaw and have to break up a polygamist fight or stop a gang war between pirates and ninjas using remote detonation explosives. There are a slew of fun little features like co-op play, customizing your character, gang, and vehicles, buying up businesses, and the fantastic customizable radio station too. The big problem is that a lot of these missions get extremely frustrating because of the bad camera and controls. The camera is fine as long you're always travel in a straight line in an open area (which admittedly does cover a large portion of the game) but any time you take a corner, get stuck in a small space, or try to quickly turn around you can spend five minutes just trying to make a single turn or drive down one street all while cursing at the game. The vehicles are flighty and you'll frequently lose control after the slightest tap or bump and you'll occasionally go flying for no reason what so ever. The worst was that moving from the street to a lawn caused my car to flip over. That's some deadly grass. What you can crash into safely also changes constantly. Sometimes a simple wooden fence will stop you in your tracks and send you flying through the windshield and other times you'll burst through it without a second thought. All these problems with driving make the side missions a pain in the butt since you'll fail them or run out of time through no fault of your own. The missions also drag on after a while. There are dozens of different missions to take on, which is great, but each of those missions has six levels to it. The Fight Club missions are boring after the second round but you have several instances of these missions to do and each one has six fights. Driving a flaming moped through a college campus is fun and all, but I don’t want to have to do it six times in a row. The combat is kind of lousy too. There isn't a lock-on feature, enemies frequently have really strong weapons that never run out of ammo, and trying to change weapons is wonky because the buttons frequently just don't work. It's bad enough that you have to stop moving to change weapons but when it takes six button presses to open the weapon selection wheel, it leads to cheap deaths. The melee fighting is just awful button mashing and the sword fight scenes are lousy. Saints Row isn't a game you're likely to rush out and buy or look forward to, but if you can pick it up cheap (I scored my copy for five bucks), it's well worth the time to have some mindless fun.
Sins Committed: Bad camera, Bad controls, Buggy, Repetitive missions