Copyright Adam Schlosser

Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser

Posted by Pip

MT20- More Deadly Than A Stuffed Tiger

You don't want to see a creature that's basically a giant mouth throw up. It's... not a pleasant site. On the plus side, she turns funky colors when she's done! Or maybe some people just have gross blood? I imagine mine is really sweet but then leaves a horribly bitter aftertaste.
Get all your wild speculation and crazy theories out of your system now because we're going to get to the bottom of this come Monday!

Long, The only hazard here is this game, oh god it's so awful that it made me just write that Review: Eat Lead: Return of Matt Hazard- Eat Lead is the Who Framed Roger Rabbit meets TVTropes of video games. You play a guy that may be a game character that plays a video game character as a job starring in a game. It has great audio from the music (the "epic" theme is surprisingly awesome) to the unique effects for the guns to the top notch voice acting. Sure Will Arnett basically plays the same exact guy in almost everything he's in (Gob is Devon Banks is slightly goofier as John Soloman is slightly more dickish as the blind date in Parks), but he makes the character. Even the writing is funny. With those niceties done, I have nothing else kind to say. Almost every aspect of the game itself is a train wreck. Just look at the instruction booklet. Counting the table of contents and legal warranty text in the back, it's only 9 pages long completely in black and white. Let's delve into this travesty. The half baked cover system that makes you get stuck on a object and pulls the camera so close that your head blocks the screen, when standing the camera is much too close for a third-person shooter and too far for an FPS, enemies and you can both sometimes shoot through walls, headshots made when shooting from the hip occasionally won't count but then if you bring up the cross hairs that same exact shot will kill the enemy in one hit, you'll clear out a room and be running to the next one when a batch of enemies will teleport in and kill you instantly, the game constantly spawns enemies behind you and the controls are too clunky to turn around and kill them fast enough, enemies spawn from areas that you've already cleaned out, enemies spawn out of literal closets that serve no other purpose than to house that guy, and breather time. phew. You will die constantly but it never really feels like it's your fault. You just have to do sections over and over until you figure out a pattern that works because skill has nothing to do with it. Enemies will always move to the same spot depending on where you are, so on your first life you run to one point, get killed, run somewhere else on your second life, beat a few more, third life beat a few more, fourth life, and now you have a pattern to complete the section. One part took me no less than 20 lives and had me running to six different cover objects just to get the enemies to stand in spots where I wouldn't be killed as soon as I took a corner or just to get them to a spot where I could actually hit them or so when I killed them somebody didn't spawn behind me. That's what the last half of the game is like. Just trial and error to find what cover you can stand behind, learning where enemies teleport, and learning who can kill you before you have time to react. It's awful. Unless you get a headshot, there's no point even firing at enemies. Shooting at them rarely causes them to flinch, so all you're doing is wasting ammo. And of course all the enemies you can't headshot take too long to kill. It takes 45 bullets to kill a single space marine. First off, it's horrible that they soak up so many bullets that I felt compelled to count it out and secondly, that thanks to the awful AI, I was able to sit there and count one by one with no threat of dying. Some of them aren't even wearing helmets, but no, you have to plug them 45 times in the face to get them to drop. Boss fights aren't much better. There's a kraken fight that has you fighting six tentacles that are spread out so at least half are always off screen, that have a one-hit kill attack, take a lot of bullets to knock down, have unclear objectives on how you actually kill them, spawn space marines while you're fighting them, don't give you much ammo, and the battle has five different phases, three of which are doing the exact same thing. Once you get to the halfway point, it becomes pretty obvious that they just gave up on the game. The level designs are terrible and little more than running down a path, about six times too many enemies spawn, run some more, and repeat. Even the bosses can spawn enemies. That's all that makes the game hard at that point. The battle against the Final Fantasy character would have terrific because each move he does requires you to do something to counter it (you have to find somewhere that lets you duck to dodge his sword, when he tries to heal himself you have to shoot down the bits of magic to stop him from gaining health, etc), but they completely botched it by giving him the ability to spawn four space marines whenever he wants. Not only does it not make any sense, but it completely takes away from the boss. He's not hard, it's the four grunts that provide the challenge. The developers full well knew the game was terrible too because it throws some of the easiest trophies at you. You get a trophy for such inspired and rewarding tasks like: starting the game and pausing the game. You even get two trophies for beating a certain stage. There's no other way to get those trophies, they're both tied to beating that stage. You beat the stage, get the trophy notification, the cinema continues a little, and then the second trophy notification pops up. The "beat level x" trophy is pretty lazy to begin with, but to tie two of them to it... But they outdid even that. You get SIX trophies for beating the final level. Three trophies for each of the difficulties and another three story related trophies. My programming skills are fairly pathetic but even I could pick out some of the lazy coding shortcuts used. Take the damage indicator when being shot, for instance. It doesn't actually display where the enemy is, it simply points to where on your body you're being hurt. So if an enemy standing in front of you shoots you in your right arm, the indicator will tell you that there's an enemy on your right. Even when you're in cover, it screws up. The first time it happened I thought I was being ambushed because I was facing forward but the enemies were nicking me in the back, the game told me there were enemies behind, so I bolted to a new spot, and as I died in a hail of gunfire I found out that there wasn't any threat at all. You may as well just get rid of the feature because it's utterly useless. Another lazy spot is the game's “psychic” enemies. It's not hard to get to a spot where they don't fire at you or even notice you when you're going one on one, but the second you put the cross hair on them (even if you're in hiding, they're around a corner, or their back is to you) the spring into action and start unloading on you. You can literally be standing right next to an enemy, it will do nothing but stand there blankly, and then you inch your view over, and that enemy turns into death incarnate. I ran into a lot buggy sounds where they'd cut out or I'd run through sections with no sound at all. For a game that praises QA in its characters and story, you'd have really expected somebody to say "hey, every single aspect of gameplay here sucks" and then to have somebody do SOMETHING about that. I'm missing two trophies but as far as I'm concerned, it's effing impossible to get one of them. You have to kill three enemies with a single shot from your grenade launcher (hands down the weakest and most useless grenade launcher ever placed in a game on top of it). There are only two places in the entire game where three of these enemies exist at the same time and they never, NEVER stand anywhere close to each other. I spent two goddamn hours trying everything to get them to get near each other and it appears to happen, if it actually ever does, completely by random. I strategically destroyed cover spots so they'd run towards each other, nope. I physically pushed them by ramming into them, nope. I ran circles around the room hoping to corral them, nope. I shot just to the side of them so they'd walk away from the bullets towards each other, nope. I shot AT them hoping they'd move, nope. I cursed furiously at the game and wished horrible things upon every person involved in making that game, nope. Perhaps the biggest irony of it all is that the three enemies you have to hit are QA testers. Is it any wonder that this pile couldn't get three QA testers together?
Sins Committed: Bad action, Bad camera, Bad aiming, Bad controls, Bad level design, Bad AI, False difficulty, Buggy, Trial and error gameplay, The game got me so pissed off that it took about six days for me to finally stop randomly cursing in casual conversation or when remarking on things
Virtues Acted: Good music, Good sound effects, Good acting, Good writing