Copyright Adam Schlosser

Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser

Posted by Pip

AD23- Crisis Averted

Pfew, dodged a bullet there. It's just a good thing that Lust is such a kind and forgiving soul. Can you imagine if she was petty, mean, or vindictive!?
Pride calls 'em how she sees 'em. Sure this whole situation maaay border on kidnapping, but it's a fairly voluntary kidnapping by somebody that probably isn't old enough to have her signatures be legally binding... So... they just won't be telling anybody about all this. And orange fizzy ice cream floats may or may not count as bribery, so all kinds of laws are being broken! Huzzah! Either that or the squirt is building her own mafia of evil. Just saying...

Long, Jaaasoooon, wait, wrong game, Zeeeuuuus! Review: God of War 3- GoW3 has some great opening moments. The scale is as grand and epic as the last one and the first boss feels like what would normally be a final battle in other games. You're having fun but then you remember why the story is the only thing you remember from number 2. The combat is repetitive and tedious, enemies are cheap, you die really really quickly, and the endless quick time events. Ye gods they're everywhere. The O prompt even overlaps with the combo meter and text so it's difficult to see in the middle of a battle and you wind up unfairly getting wailed on and having to repeat the whole sequence. The same enemies that have been annoying throughout all the games are still really annoying and now that I've been wailing on them for three games, I'm sick of them. The boss battles go on for too long but the way you finish them off makes the tedium mostly worthwhile. Except for the final boss, all forms of it. They're terrible, not fun, go on for too long, and are nothing more than button mashing crap broken up by no less than ten QTEs. Even the challenges you unlock after beating the game are complete and utter garbage. This is supposed to be one of Sony's top flagship titles so how on earth did this get released this way? This isn't a "first-party one of our most important titles" game, it's a "third party eh people will buy it" game. Level design, camera, story, gameplay, everything about it outside of the graphics is a poor, poor showing compared to the previous titles. There are even godawful mini-games too. Who looked at the game and thought "What this needs is a segment where Kratos plays DDR."? Yeah, that's what people play God of War for, terrible rhythm games. There are many points in the game that are just flat out not fun at all. The battle up Cronos is a bore at best. The QTEs are unresponsive, there are unlimited enemies, and most of the time it isn't clear what's a path and when you can move ahead. It isn't fun, epic, or interesting and it's a really lousy end to a character the series used well. The chase against Hermes is also absolutely terrible. The game seems completely unwilling to reliably let you double jump or glide and that's pretty much all you have to do through most of this section. Sometimes you can glide off of a swinging jump with one button press and sometimes it takes two button presses and by the time you realize that the gliding animation hasn't started, it's too late to press the button a second time and start it up, but if you press it twice when you only needed to press it once, you'll cancel the glide. It took me no less than ten tries to make a single jump because of this. The subtitles even use "it's" instead of "its" during what's supposed to be a grand turning moment for Kratos and the series. Ugh. The weapons are a real letdown too. You have your regular chains with a good special move, then you get another set of chains with a worse dodge and a weaker special move, and then there's a third set of chains with a terrible special move and by the time you get them you've probably already maxed out the strength on your usual chains. Instead of making the three chains separate weapons, why not just make the other two versions upgrades for your regular weapon? There's also a pair of gauntlets that are so strong that once you get them, you'll stop using your regular weapons. There are a lot of elements that needlessly extend the game's (already extremely short/you can easily beat this in two days) length, like having to slowly climb up overly long structures or slooooowly push objects long distances. Stuff that really isn't fun to begin with extended for longer than could ever possibly be fun. The story is nowhere near as good as in the first two, but compared to most video games, it's good in comparison. They don't close up many plot points introduced in the other games, they cop out on the ending, and there's no sense of wrapping up the trilogy. You pretty much just travel from location to location killing a god or getting an item and then moving on. GoW2 ended with the promise of Kratos leading the Titans in an attack on Olympus but within the first hour of 3, they undo that and ship you out on your own. Then at the end of the game they bring it back (in a large large plot hole) just to end it in a completely uninteresting way. The voice acting is beyond awesome. You're playing along and then BAM! Rip Torn is one of the gods! Hera is awesome too. I don't remember her being like that in the other games, but they treated her character really well. It bugs me when stories mistake the Underworld for Hell and Hades for Satan, but I do like they handled the change from Greek mythology to Judeo-Christian stories. If they played it up more, it could have been a decent end to the series. GoW3 is most definitely the worst in the series so it's a real disappointment that this is the note the trilogy is going to end on. 1 was fantastic, 2 was meh, and 3 is just bad.
Sins Committed: Bad camera, Kratos knowingly commits incest, Bad writing, Bad enemies, It's hard to root for a hero that willingly commits incest, Fake difficulty, Tedious combat, Repetitive, He has sex with his aunt!
Virtues Acted: Good story, Epic scale, I dunno, Hermes is kind of a d-bag and you get to beat him mercilessly