Copyright Adam Schlosser
Contact:
aschloss@gmail.com


Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser


Posted by Pip

BR14- Mind On My Money And Money In My Mind

It's was there when he moved in! He's just holding it for a friend! It's his roomate's not his! He only reads it for the articles! When you live among demons and have to act out the whims of kids, you're bound to wind up with a few less than savory or normal things in your noggin'. But hey, nobody asks Lust to explain the weird things she's into so why should Envy have to explain what he keeps in his head?
I hate the word “defense”. It should clearly be “defence”. It's like “gray” versus “grey”. Just pick one, English language! I can understand switching out “color”, “tire”, or “pajamas” but switching out “s”s for “c”s is just madness.


Long, Don't read me a story Review: Fairytale Fights- FF is one of those games that bombed and bombed hard and it's completely okay to revel in the schadenfreude of that. Releasing crap is one thing but releasing crap at $60 only makes your sub-$20 bargain bin fate justified. There's really very little about that game that isn't in your face broken in some way. It's a beat 'em up but the combat gets tedious quickly. Instead of attacking with a button, you move the right analog to strike. I give them credit for trying something different but in the end, instead of button mashing, you just get a lot of button twiddling. It's imprecise at best but frequently won't attack how you want. Once you start attacking, you can't really stop and it moves your character forward. I absolutely could not unlock the "Perform an aerial combo" trophy because I couldn't get my character to stop flailing and just jump, and then in the few cases where I could get in the air, it just wouldn't give me the trophy. Vast swathes of the game take place on platforms with no railing so many of your deaths will be from you accidentally throwing yourself off a ledge while trying to fight. And the game is hell bent on putting things on the edge of platforms. You'll open a chest and its contents will spill off the ledge and into the abyss and there's nothing you can do about it. You get stuck in objects a lot. Sometimes you can spin around, jump, or button mash your way out of it, but within the first fifteen minutes of playing the game, I had to reset because my character was stuck in a table. Levels are littered with instant kill traps coupled with some of the worst fixed camera angles you could pick. It's a beat 'em up with a fixed camera so it takes a special kind of incompetence to screw that up so badly. You will occasionally respawn inside an instant death trap and die the second you appear. Almost every one of a boss's attacks either kills you instantly or pushes you off your platform and kills you instantly that way. Some games give you infinite lives so you can focus on the experience, the story, or just having fun. This one gives you infinite lives because it's a crap game. In the five stages I tortured myself into playing, I probably died around 100 times. Three of which were from enemies, one from a boss's regular attack, and the remaining roughly 96 times were from instant kills. That's not hyperbole. The game gives you a death count at the end of the stage and it's very much "Wow, no enemies killed me, yet I still have 27 deaths in this stage". The game has dozens and dozens of weapons, but like I complained about in the Pirates PlundARRR review, there's really no difference between 90% of them. There are really only four weapons (potion, gun, blade, club) given reskins. A saw is the same thing as an axe. A branch is the same thing as a mailbox is the same thing as a compass is the same thing as a basket and on and on. The bladed weapons have the ability to chop enemies and finish them quicker, so once you find a bladed weapon, you never have an incentive to change unless you find a stronger bladed weapon. Boss battles go on for way too long and the very first one forces you to do it twice in a row. An intro cutscene plays, you fight a rather long battle, dizzy the boss and get a lot of riches... and then a part of the intro cutscene plays again and you have to do the fight a second time. Wha? Then you have to fight that boss again in the next level but it at least has different attacks. The levels feel the same way. You go through several areas, beat the same enemies over and over, the screen fades out and you expect to finish the stage... and then you start another part of the stage and the level takes another ten minutes to complete. I went from thinking "this could have been a good $10 PSN game" to "why won't this end!?" in just the first chapter. Aspects of the game/world aren't explained and it gets kind of confusing. My character kept glowing and a sound effect would play but I don't know why this happened. The game never explains the special moves or the fact that you can only do them while carrying specific weapons, and most infuriatingly, it never explains how to save. The game does it automatically but it doesn't tell you when and there's no option to manually save when you want to quit. Heck, it even gives you a warning when you go to quit that your progress WON'T be saved. There's some atrocious loading times when returning to the hub world but that's the only time I really know is saving so you have to suffer through it. Levels load quicker than the fairly simple hub so it must just be terrible programming. The sole nice thing I can say is that environments really push the storybook element and it looks great. Parts of the levels are made out of books or basic fairy tale elements so they hit the look of the game rather well and then proceed to fail with everything else. Somebody on the team also has a serious fetish for slow-motion. Just about every single cutscene has at least one moment where everything shifts into slo-mo. If somebody is going to jump, attack, or yell or something is going to fall, it's going to happen in slo-mo. It's just really stupid. It doesn't look good, it's isn't funny, and every time you see it, you get just that much angrier. Even if you're a serious beat 'em up fan, steer clear of this game.
Sins Committed: Bad camera, Bad sound, Buggy, Bad controls, Boring, Bad combat, Bad level design
Virtues Acted: Good environments, It was so bad it doesn't warrant a lame attempt at a funny virtue