Copyright Adam Schlosser
Contact:
aschloss@gmail.com


Copyright 2005 Adam Schlosser


Posted by Pip

BR34- Learning Is AWESOME

Time skip number two! Breck will be looking for the mystical bifocals and cane before this is all over if these skips don't calm down.
Lousy scientists looting all the Sins's keen stuff. Bonus points for naming where the museum objects are from. The earrings are easy. The book maybe too. But the decorations... There will be more to see come Friday too, so that's all kinds of Internet bonus points with no cash value up for grabs!


Long, But not nearly as long as everybody's freakish legs Review: Bayonetta- Bayonetta has one of the most detestable opening sequences I've ever played in a game. It gives you the backstory during a nonsensical action sequence where things are constantly exploding to drown out the dialogue and the camera spins madly so you can't make heads of it, followed by a horrible extended cinema of boring gun violence, awful characters, and shaky camera work. Imagine the worst action movie you've seen and it's probably on par with this. Constant cuts, shaky camera, bad action, and a godawful rendition of "Fly Me To The Moon" ripped from the end of Evangelion. I just hate that song so much... Your partner is a Joe Pesci-wannabe that makes the character in Lethal Weapon seem likable. All the characters are terrible from the way they look to their dialogue, actions, and writing, but he's like a giant ball of awful. Liking the game is predicated on you finding it funny or sexy and it meets neither of those requirements by a long shot. The gameplay is straight-up mindless action. You have dozens of moves but your regular combos are quicker and do just fine so you can get by with some timed dodging and button mashing. Even your special moves just have you hammering away on a button. Opening doors in the "exploration" segments also requires you to button mash, so if you have a controller with a turbo button, you're pretty much set. It's a “what's what” of bad ideas for action games. Instant death QTEs? Check a plenty. Escort missions? Check. Unnecessary and bad vehicle segments? Check. Annoying kid? Oh that's a check. Even patched and with the game installed on the harddrive, it's tedious and slow thanks to the constant loading. It's 15 seconds to check for free space on the HD every time you play. On its own, that isn't much, but you're faced with a collection of all these loads. It has a loading screen for opening your inventory or for pausing, there's loading and saving when you change any of the options, it has to load to open the save menu, there's time to then actually save, and so forth. Any menu or setting you want to move through or look at will involve some loading. Weapons don't even have good descriptions so you don't know if weapon A is stronger than weapon 1 (and everything in the shop is extremely expensive), so having to slog through all those menus and swap out items and try to compare them is a long, boring process. I found one weapon I liked and used that for roughly 9/10 of the game. The main story really comes down to "who cares?". Since all the characters are so unlikable, there's no investment in their poorly developed motivations. And the final "big twist" is so blatantly telegraphed every step of the way that it's not even remotely shocking when you see it. You'll collect pages and pages of documents on the game's mythology and backstory but absolutely none of it is interesting. From the novella of minutiae I collected on this corporation, I was really expecting some grand payoff in the finale but it all basically comes down to “the bad guy owns this company” and little more than that. It's not even a good game to just watch or look at. The characters are weighed down with all kinds of bangles and accessories but they clip through their bodies or the environment. It's hard to take a scene seriously when a character has a feather boa jutting through her stomach. You'll find seams all over the environment too. Mercifully, unless you want to grind to unlock all the unnecessary items and skills, it's a very short game. If you decide you need to generate some hate, you can bang it out in a weekend rental.

Sins Committed: Bad music, Bad controls, Bad camera, Bad characters, Bad graphics, Bad writing, Short
Virtues Acted: Some of the enemy designs are neat